So here it is. My series “OUT with Arcadius”, but just a quick note before you start reading. HE, when I first started this out on Tumblr I was working with the #FlashFiction restrictions, so that’s why they are written this way. Also, I couldn’t think of a name for him right off. In my head he had my name (since he basically is me), but for some reason I didn’t want to use that. So I just used “HE” whenever I was talking about him. That gets confusing and annoying quick, so just bear with it on these first Three chapters as I had given him a name (and got out of the restrictions of #FlashFiction) in the later parts.
I hope you enjoy!!
“yup. I’m a ‘mo” was the tweet he had composed and was now showing his manager. after only a few minutes of explaining that he thought this out and was ready to post it, his manager said “well… why not!?”. was he worried that the tweet would ruin his career? no! was he worried that the tweet would make some his fans abandon him? no! was he worried that mainstream might spin the story and turn public opinion against him? slightly, but for the most part no!
why was this successful and respected recording artist so confident that outing himself to the world wouldn’t affect him in any negative way? several reasons. since 2003 he has established himself as a true artist and his phenomenal record sales and recent tour receipts were proof of this. also, since 2003 he hadn’t uttered one word about his personal life, so he knew that his success was simply based on his music (although it’s true, the mystery surrounding his personal life increased his public profile surely). in the day and age where there were openly gay recording artists as well as artists that championed and spoke out for gays, he felt that if people did have a problem with his outing that they had their own problems and would probably be seen as homophobes.
of course, being a high profile international celebrity, the tweet was followed with meetings between his manager and his publicist on how this would be handled. oprah? anderson? 20/20? “I just want to do ellen’s show”. ellen because he remembered her “yup I’m gay” article in 1997 and was so inspired by how she was able to bounce back and become one of america’s most liked celebrities. she went through a backlash period but she came back, simply because she’s sweet and she’s funny. nobody cares that she’s gay anymore and that’s what he wanted with the rest of his career. he didn’t want to do a months worth of press over it, he just wanted to do one interview and leave it be. making a big deal of being gay is exactly what he didn’t want and if he did all the shows and magazines talking about it, HE would be making it a big deal.
the thing was, he felt really established in his career. he did everything he set out to do and then some. he collected grammy’s, platinum plaques, broke records, and all the while being his weird self. not conforming to what a black male r&b or pop star was supposed be and he was proud of that. whatever the result of his tweet was going to be, bad or good, he felt great about what he had done in his life up until this point and he was ready to continue being himself. gay straight bi or just fucking weird. a bit of a break was looming and he wanted to enjoy himself, being himself during that time.
© 2012 Hannibal Alexander
his manager told him in meetings following his now record breaking tweet that his biggest hurdle was “letting people know that you weren’t fooling them this whole time”. when he released his debut album “1982”, he was constantly speculated to be gay based on his mannerisms, his dance moves and some of his comments. he was the anti-r&b singer and he embraced that. the rumors didn’t bother him at all because he had been dealing with them his whole life. he was delusional about his orientation all his life, so instead of facing the truth he preferred to think that he was just “weird”/“strange” as a way to explain his questionable behavior. he embraced his oddness and it wasn’t long into his career that he really started to play with the gay thing. constantly leaving audiences guessing, be it with some of his music videos that portrayed gay characters, or even his song lyrics like the last verse in his 2007 grammy winning pop hit “fluffer” (radio version re-titled “bluffer”). of course these artistic outputs caused a bit of controversy, people claiming he was using the gay lifestyle to gain more publicity. he always spoke to the fact that many artists have loads of gay fans, but never really acknowledge them so this was his way of doing that. on top of all that, he thought back on his entire career before he published his tweet and realized that he had never, in any interview, denied that he was gay. he never talked about his personal life at all, and he was certain that would look good for him now.
his manager still wanted him to make clear the “questioning phase” he went through from the beginning of his career to his outing. much to his managers happiness, the interview went great, he was honest and funny and likable as usual and the reports from the media on the following day were glowing.
so, he thought “that’s that!”. this didn’t come at an un-busy time for him though. before the tweet he was making his film festival rounds for his directorial debut and getting pretty rave reviews. after the tweet he began shooting his indie mockumentary “hipster” which only took a month. he still had to prep his first film for a limited release and his label was urging him to record new music for that film’s soundtrack.
though he felt like that weight of being an OUT celebrity was done. he wanted his promotional work to be done as well. he now wanted to be out there and get to know his community. of course being an in demand high profile international star, he was always surrounded by gays, but always distanced himself from getting too close. he was married. and he was always ultra cautious of sleeping with random people and having them sell the story the next day. now he had nothing to hide and he wanted to absorb the gay world and feel it out himself.
© 2012 Hannibal Alexander
after he came out, frank ocean did and than anderson cooper. now he became the new face of gays in Hollywood thanks to a cover story on entertainment weekly. it didn’t make him uncomfortable, or increase the size of his ego simply because he was too busy to care. “hope riddim”, his directorial debut earned it’s entire budget back on the first weekend of it’s limited release. and he was getting excited to hit the studio to record songs for the soundtrack. he was most excited to be done with the film that consumed two years of his life and he definitely deserved a break. he let his manager know that after the film got its wide release in september he was not going to do anything until the end of the year. since he came out, he was surprised at the overt flirts in hollywood both gay and “straight”. people seemed too eager for him to start dating, he felt like he just wanted to have fun and really acclimate himself to the gay community. although a few of the boys he encountered really did intrigue him in that way.
specifically a very popular and very cute teen heartthrob he met at a hollywood function who clung to him the whole night. mr. heartthrob initiated the conversation about them having dinner in the future, and honestly he thought mr. heartthrob might have been angling. for a role in a future film of his, or just attaching himself publicity’s sake. the same sort of apprehension and questioning he felt with most people before he was able to get close to them. he took these advances with a grain of salt, kept heartthrobs number with no real intentions on calling.
he honestly wasn’t all that interested in dating right away, but sex was something he was looking forward to, having not had any sex with anybody but himself and his wife for the past 9 years. he openly talked about a porn addiction he developed during the hectic early days of his career. porn was actually one of the catalysts to his sexual questioning. back in those days he wondered why he was so intrigued by gay porn, and then why he seemed to get harder watching gay porn. by 2010, thanks to counseling with his wife, who legally separated from him in 2006, he came to terms with who he was and came out to a select few. yet still, he never sought out a boy to experiment with sexually. 2010 through 2012 were very busy and very successful years for him, but it’s not like he didn’t have the opportunity. he just chose not to indulge and the main reason was fear of a media controversy and potential backlash. now was his time to get his freak on. It wasn’t anything he wanted to rush in to, and all that could wait until the fall as he wanted to stay focused on his tasks at hand.
© 2012 Hannibal Alexander
he didn’t want to do any new music for his films soundtrack, until one night george michael’s “i want your sex” popped up on his itunes. “perfect” he thought. this would be his first single since coming out, and what better than a song by an openly gay artist about sex. recording with stargate reinvigorated him and he ended up with three new songs. his label didn’t seem as excited, another odd reaction from them ever since his tweet. most of his career he was treated like a prince by his label, lately he felt a strange disconnect. he thought it might be due to the film, maybe they thought he might be moving on, than he thought it probably had nothing to do with him and they just had their own issues. he couldn’t shake the feeling that coming out without informing the label caused a slight rift. regardless, he completed his songs and set up dates to shoot two videos. and for some reason he wanted to do something more.
an idea that crossed his mind was performing at a gay pride event. he had performed at pride events before, but he thought this would be special since he was now out. within two weeks, the remake was mastered, the video was shot and he was en route to san francisco, the most appropriate destination being raised in the bay area. it had been over a year since he was on stage so the anticipation got him amped up. he was also amped at the idea of partying with the gays of san francisco. time, unfortunately, was not on his side. arriving at sfo late friday night, than using most of saturday to rehearse. by sunday, the day of his performance, he was able to catch the parade and spent a bit of time with the crowds. at points he felt a bit of hysteria arise when he was noticed, but with a sea of people it was easy to get lost in the crowd again. it was fun, but not the fun he was really looking for.
eventually he hit the stage, performed 45 minutes longer than scheduled and had the crowd on their feet the entire time. he noticed a bunch of hot guys in the crowd, the ones he wouldn’t mind seeing naked, who were pretty bold in throwing their phone numbers up on stage, making suggestive expressions and showing off body parts. total groupie behavior, which really turned him on. after the show he was convinced he wanted to hit the castro and have a club night with the sf gays but it didn’t end up that way. his driver drove past massive lines leading into small tiny bars. people on the streets were walking around a little extra drunk and belligerent. he decided it probably wasn’t the best idea, and than he had an urge to call mr. heartthrob.
© 2012 Hannibal Alexander
by the end of june, he saw what became a crush of his again, mr. heartthrob. the kid was 24 years old popular, sexy, and ambiguous as far as his sexuality. and he couldn’t control his sexual fantasies of him. he saw him at a movie premiere, but they weren’t able to talk too long . they saw each other a few times after that and finally decided to have dinner.
at dinner in brea, they had a great time laughing and finding they have a bunch in common. mr. heartthrob went on about being a fan of his music, “since i was little”. with just a 6 year age difference, that made him feel old. he wasn’t really a fan of mr. heartthrob’s work, but saw potential, his compliments were based around that. by the end of dinner they had gotten a little flirty, the bill came and mr. heartthrob (a little tipsy) asked him if he worked out, leading to compliments on his body and a few sexual double entendres mixed in. he felt a little nervous, although that’s what he wanted to hear. he was nervous because he was never a good flirt and was scared his awkwardness in that area would leave him blue-balled.
he didn’t know that mr. heartthrob was ready to go, no matter what weirdness came out of his mouth. before they knew it, they were in heartthrob’s hotel room making out. they moved from making out on the couch, to heavy petting on the floor, to carrying heartthrob into the bedroom. heartthrob started to strip and put on a show for him as he undressed and caressed his unit. the usual foreplay ensued, rimming, oral, more kissing and caressing and stroking and then the time came. at least it tried to come.
his thick 10 incher was a problem since the biggest heartthrob had ever attempted was possibly 5 inches, and that’s if that old partner was able to get it up. heartthrob’s sexual misfortune was going to continue tonight because even though he was fully hard, lubed and ready to go, heartthrob was having some serious issues taking him. he was very patient, but heartthrob was both scared and eager. heartthrob really wanted it to go down that night and he was trying everything from dumping lube down his hole, trying to stretch out his hole with fingers, he tonguing his hole deeper to get heartthrob ready, but after nearly two hours of trying, and trying he was only able to barely get the tip of his head in. heartthrob put his mouth to work and got him off, while he worked his fingers on heartthrob to get him off.
cuddled up in bed, they talked about what they should try next time. toys. more intense rimming. the sex talk turned into random talk until they both fell asleep. the morning came and they both had to run, but not without a kiss and a plan to meet up again.
© 2012 Hannibal Alexander