In my rush to get off work and start my “broke” weekend, I nearly forgot that it was #FICTIONFriday. Don’t despair, here is 1 of 2 new installments for this week.
I’m continuing “Call It a Night“, and here’s a bit of a back-story on what you are about to read. Like I said before, “Call It a Night” was the first thing I presented in my first writing class, this second part was something I put together maybe a year after that class. I was trying to get back into the mindset of Josh and I’m not sure how I did.
That’s not for ME, the writer, to judge though. Just read it and I hope you enjoy it.
Side note, PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS! I LIVE FOR FEEDBACK and I haven’t received any for any of my #FICTIONFriday posts yet.
“Call It A Night” by Hannibal Alexander
So, I’m home now. I’ve actually been home for about twenty minute. I’ve just been sitting on the bed, staring at the wall, trying to figure out just what the fuck I’m gonna do. I glance over to my wall of over 1000 CD’s and figure I’m not in the mood for music at the moment. Besides I don’t want to possibly get my dad up, he’ll just make me do some random chores, and I’ll want to kill myself while I’m doing them.
I turn to my left and look at my computer desk and wonder if I want to surf the net, but I realize I don’t want to go through the trouble. The trouble of actually getting up and waiting for the computer to boot up. I guess I could just fall asleep?
Man … what am I gonna do…
with my life? Or with tonight?
I don’t know, I keep waiting for my head to take me to a place where some of my questions will get answers. Like, should I get started on taking some sleeping pills so I won’t wake up in the morning… or which disc of which Season of “X-Files” do I wanna fall asleep to just in case I didn’t take those pills after all.
I’m hating yet another night of sitting home not doing a damn thing. And it’s FRIDAY night. And I’m FREAKIN 24 years old. I should be doing SOMETHING.
Yeah, I’m just gonna head out of here and do SOMETHING.
I mean, I guess I should. I’d imagine other single guys with bank account balances like mine are living it up right now. I’ve always been pretty jealous of those dudes. The guys that have a gang of friends they could call and just get into whatever. And whatever it is they do, they always seem to be having fun. I guess I have people I can call, but the problem with that tonight, is that I don’t want to really be bothered by anyone.
I guess I’m having a loner week.
Maybe I could just drive somewhere… and If I don’t end up getting into a fatal accident after a couple of hours, I could just turn back around. It’s a bit late, and I don’t really like driving at night, but… hey, what else is there to do. It might be fun to do something a little impulsive once in a while. Maybe I don’t even need to die tonight, maybe just a change in the way I live my life is all I need. I need to do something a little out of character, and just packing up and splitting town for the weekend is so not me.
Yeah that’s a good idea… let’s get out of here.
As I’m thinking about what I need to bring just in case, I also start to think of where this drive might take me.
What do I want to get into? What can I afford to get into for the weekend? Which way should I drive? North or South?
There’s a really good episode that I was thinking about the other day that I do really wanna watch. I think it’s the second season… one of the last discs. I think it’s Four.
I look to the right at my wall of DVD’s, which has become so severely unorganized that I don’t even see the DVD case on there. I actually get up from my bed and walk over there and scan through all the movies I have. I see season 3, but I don’t think that’s the one. I see season 5, which… I don’t even think is mine. RIGHT!! I traded my season 4 for Nelson’s, one of my co-workers, season 5.
Damn I guess that’s not happening tonight. I’m sure I would have fallen asleep anyway.
I’ll just watch the movie.
Never mind … I don’t feel like looking for it. I’ll just watch one of these that I KNOW is here right now. I guess I want to laugh, so a comedy. With excessively hot actors. “Mary”? I contemplate. Naw, I’ve watched that way too much recently. I sigh at the fact I have nothing better to do than search for a movie I’ve already seen a million times, on a Friday night.
I don’t even want to watch a movie right now. Not really.
I’ll just lay down for a bit. I get back into my position, sitting down at the edge of the bed.
Again, I think I’ll just go to sleep. What am I doing tomorrow? Nothing. I don’t even have plans for the weekend. I’m such a loser.
Oh my god. I’m so fucking bored… my life is so depressingly boring. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go on a Friday night. Where are those pills?
Even if they don’t kill me, I’ll at least get to sleep quicker… maybe I’ll feel better in the morning.
Oh yeah, wasn’t I supposed to be leaving?
I suck, I can’t even make an impulse move without my mind wandering its way into something totally unimportant… like movies, or TV shows.
I’m outta here.
So, I start to blindly pack. I barely remember the time in between me finally getting up off the bed and having packed a full North Face duffle bag with my clothes and stuff from my bathroom. I guess I can move quickly when I feel like I need to. And I guess I need to.
I’m looking at the jacket I wore today thrown on the floor from when I finally got home. I remember my cuz saying he liked it, I’ll just give it to him. I won’t need it anymore… either way.
I look at my duffle bag, full of most of the stuff I need. I look through my drawers and see that I must have already packed all the good stuff. I go into my bathroom and see I packed everything I need. I give my room a once over. Do I want to bring some movies? I grab my laptop from my desk in the corner of my room and pack it in the laptop. I look over at my CD rack, and instead of try to pick and choose which of the 400 CD’s I want to bring, I just figure whatever is on my computer will have to be good enough. Plus I have some good stuff in the car. So, I’m ready. Why am I still standing here?
I finally get out of my room. I hear my mom and dad have their TV on in their room down the hall. I creep up to their room, I drop my bag in front of their door and poke at their door to open it and not wake them up if they are sleeping. Somehow my mom ends up waking up.
“Oh… go back to sleep mom” I say in a hushed voice “Im going out”
“Where you going?” She asks as she tries desperately to prop herself up on the bed to look at me.
“I..” I don’t know what to say, since I don‘t know myself. And wherever I’m going, it’s not like it matters to her that much. She has my cell phone number “I’m just going driving for a minute”
“OK” she says, finally giving up her struggle and just laying back down in the position she was in when I opened the door.
I start to leave and then “I love you… tell dad I love him too”. I don’t know where it came from, but I guess I was thinking I might never see them again. Just in case. Plus it never hurts.
She mumbles something back. Good enough, I think. And I close the door and leave the house.
I get to my 4Runner, put my duffle bag in the back seat and shut the door. I put my hand on the driver’s side door, and stop for a second.
“What am I doing” I think to myself. Knowing me, I’ll probably just end up driving to the farthest 7-Eleven I can think of, fill up on Suzy Q’s and come right back home. I’ll probably get a video from the video store and have a typical Josh Friday night. Yeah, the video store is still open I should go.
Okay. No. I’m gonna do this.
I encourage myself enough to finally open the door and sit in the driver’s seat. Then I start to think that I’m just one turn of the ignition away from maybe changing my life. Either I’m gonna change it for the good, or I’m gonna change my life… by ending it. It’s kind of a weird feeling right now, but I get over it as soon as I try to figure out what song I want to be playing as I drive off.
“I guess I’m really gonna do this”, I think to myself as I put in Kanye West as my perfect soundtrack to the journey to ‘who knows’. I’m one of ‘those guys’ now, I guess… I mean without the friends and place to go. Okay… I’m not one of ‘those guys’, but I’m a guy who does things on the spur of the moment now. I turn the keys with my new found sense of identity and pull out the driveway and make the right turn down to get on the freeway.
I been on the road for almost 40 minutes now. And I’ve actually been waiting for someone to call me. It’s rare that anybody ever does, but I was driving and hoping that just maybe someone close to me would call and give me a lame ass excuse to just turn around and forget about this trip to who knows where.
Or I could go for some crazy drunk ass fool on the highway speeding. I can see it now… the guy is speeding and some other dude in front of me changes lanes and doesn’t see fast dude coming. And then they crash and I try to veer away from the crash, and I do… but I lose control of the car and drive into a ditch. I’m bruised up but, somehow… the car blows up. I haven’t worked out all the details.
Ouch. No wait, because I don’t want to get burned to death. I’m so sure that would hurt.
Oh man, what am I doing? I even asked god for a sign or something. Which is ridiculous because I rarely ever talk to God. So why do I expect this speedy answer from him. There’s only so much I can read into the nineteen Taco Bell signs I’ve seen so far. Like, does he want me to ’Cross the Border’, or does he just want me to get some taco’s? I don’t know.
Maybe this would be totally different if I actually had some sort of life goal, I mean my life goal tonight has been the pursuit of ending my life. Other than that, I just go to work and come home. I don’t have many real friends. And even then, I’m always so self-conscious or whatever that I’m hardly ever in the mood to go out and be social with them. No romance in my life at the moment, and when I’ve had it… man, I always wished I hadn’t. I don’t even have any career goals. I guess if I knew a little more about myself, than I’d probably know where to take… myself.
Hmm. That’s interesting.
I don’t know myself. I don’t know what I want, and so I definitely don’t know what I need in life or how to get it. I don’t really even know who I am. I know what I like when it comes to superficial shit like, “widescreen” or “full screen”, or Ecko or L-R-G. That doesn’t mean anything though, because I have pretty much every material thing I would want… at the moment, and I still want to die. Why? What’s making me so depressed that I can’t enjoy my life as a working, basically financially secure, good looking young man. I gotta figure this out somehow.
I guess it’s a good thing I’m on the road and there’s no possible way somebody could interrupt this thought process, because this might take a while.
I wonder how long that’ll take. I guess that depends on how fucked up I am. I gotta figure out something, at least maybe figuring out something that I might like to do instead of being a drone for the electric company all my life like those bitter losers that have been there for years. If not that, I could maybe try to plot my next move, not like a physical move somewhere. Not necessarily. I’m thinking like a move career wise or just move myself from the same mind frame I’ve had since I was probably 19.
Okay so where can I go to think this stuff out. Somewhere without many distractions I guess… though Vegas would be fun. And I’d be alone… so, that’s still in the running. I could go to LA… or maybe just Monterey and hang out around some beaches. Sounds good…
All of a sudden it’s like my life slows down to this mili-second speed as I see the car in front of me throw on his brakes all of sudden like a crazy person. I slam on my brakes and yell “OH SHIT!” to myself.
Fuck! How typical…
© 2014 Hannibal Alexander